Blog Archives

Fear

**This post may contain spoilers regarding the book Divergent by Veronica Roth, if that bothers you, skip to the conclusion.**

So I’ve been listening to the audio book of Divergent, and I’ve reached a few conclusions and even more questions, mostly about myself. I’ve concluded that, most likely, the aptitude test would place me in Amity, Erudite or Dauntless (or I’d be Divergent) and that I would choose Dauntless with very little hesitation. I also realized that if I were to be forced to face my innermost fears rather then the fears I allow myself to think about I would most likely be surprised.

**At this point if you want to avoid spoilers you can read again**

I have spent many years of my life finding, facing and/or controlling my fears, the physical ones at least. I once feared heights and so, like Keladry, (Protector of the Small quartet by Tamora Pierce) I forced myself to face heights whenever I could, I rode roller coasters and thrill rides that forced me onto high places and then dropped me from them, I climbed things and jumped down, I went up tall buildings and looked down until the fact my brain told me to be afraid had no effect on my body or my clarity of thought. There was a time I feared fire, I learned everything I could about fire, I played with fire and in time I learned to understand fire until when I saw fire I felt both fear and attraction.

**Spoilers, but mild ones that shouldn’t really spoil anything at all unless you’ve already guessed what will happen next**

Other then Heights and Fire I have not suffered from many fears, not counting those that came from lack of worldly experience, but I knew there had to be things I fear besides those two obvious choices. And then Divergent reminded me of fears outside the physical. I realized how much I fear vulnerability, how much I fear intimacy, how much I fear a lack of intimacy and how much I fear removing the armor I have constructed around my emotions and affections.

**Spoilers are all gone, go ahead and read.**

When I realized those fears I realized that those fears may just be why I have never opened up to someone in a romantic way. Not only did I fear rejection I feared the vulnerability and the weakness that comes with it. But like all my other fears I know that by acknowledging this one I can face it and control it. Well, I hope I can…

I now have an internal debate about how to deal with these fears; one side argues that both physical and emotional intimacy will get easier if I just practice, just get it over with, while the other says that I should ease into it starting emotionally and, eventually, ending physically when the moment is right. Over the weekend at a party the “get it over with like a band-aid” part of me won out for a while and I had my first “kiss,” although I hesitate to call the small collection of three second pecks actual kisses. This was of course while playing two different silly party games; Suck and blow, a game in which you move a card of some sort around a circle of people by first holding it to your mouth by sucking in air and then pass it to your neighbor by them sucking in air while you blow out air, and if you or your neighbor drops the card you have to kiss and then spin the bottle. The unromantic, three second kisses while somebody counts the seconds were awkward to say the least and most of me doesn’t even count any of them as a “first kiss.” But another part of me is glad I didn’t make it to seventeen and never been kissed.

But I’m off topic, and as you can clearly see, the topic is fear. What do you fear? Have you faced it? Controlled it? If not, why? Let me know in the comments below!

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Advertisements

Risque

Lyrics: (Revamped)
I’ve got birds in my ears
and a devil on my shoulder
and a phone to the other,
and i can’t get a hold of her.
and what’s a crush to do?
what’s a crush to do when ze can’t get through?

medically speaking you’re adorable.
and from what i hear you’re quite affordable.
but i like them pricey.
so exagerate and trick me.
pretty please, just trick me.
pretty please.

I’ve got birds in my ears
and a devil on my shoulder
and a phone to the other,
and i can’t get a hold of him.
and what’s a crush to do?
what’s a crush to do when she can’t get through?

I’m obsessed and stressed with this mess,
i can’t think of things
to write down,
to type down.
and these fingertips are moving faster than these lips.
so you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is.
so you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is.

I got birds in my ears
and a devil on my shoulder
and a phone to the other,
and i can’t get a hold of hir.
and what’s a crush to do?
what’s a crush to do?

I got birds in my ears.
(I got birds in my ears.)
and a devil on my shoulder.
(and a devil on my shoulder.)
what’s a crush
what’s a crush to do?

I turn on a dime, spin me around.
so you can shine, shine right now.
we’ll even have a crowd
we’ll make this purchase count.

medically speaking you’re adorable.
and from what i hear you’re quite affordable.
but i like them pricey
so exagerate and trick me.

I got birds in my ears.
(i gotbirds in my ears.)
and a devil on my shoulder.
(and a devil on my shoulder.)
and what’s a crush to do
what’s a crush to do

I’ve got birds in my ears
(I’ve got birds in my ears)
and a devil on my shoulder
(and a devil on my shoulder)
what’s a crush,
what’s a lush to do?

I’ve got birds in my ears
(I’ve got birds in my ears)
and a devil on my shoulder
(and a devil on my shoulder)
what’s a crush,
what’s a lush to do when he can’t get through?

Person Anachronism

 

Lyrics: (Revamped)

1, 2, 3, 4

you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and the cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that I’m not the carefullest of girls

you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that are breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it’s just the temperature
then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i would act my age
but i don’t think that you’d believe me
it’s not the way I’m meant to be
it’s just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple years too late
and I’ve got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagiarism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world’s worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathtub full of flies
that I’m not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i’ll fall
don’t call the doctors
they’ve seen it all before
they’ll say just
let her crash and burn, she’ll learn
(the attention just encourages her)

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that you’re sorry that you asked
that you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don’t touch
you’ll start believing you’re immune to gravity and stuff
don’t get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

you can tell
from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse him for the day, its just the way the medication makes hir…

i don’t necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious removed as a cesarean
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GUY ANACHRONISM
(I’M THE GUY ANACHRONISM)
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM
(I’M THE GIRL ANACHRONISM)

I am the guy …
I am the girl …
I am the guy …
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM

Curfew!

So I live in a city with a curfew law for minors, 10:00 PM.  Unless you are running an errand for a parent, or don’t get caught.

I break curfew all the time, with parental consent, sometimes I actually AM running an errand for my mom but most of the time I’m hanging out with friends and my fiends do the same, we have yet to be stopped.  We walk around like we know what we are doing and are doing what we need to.

I understand that curfew laws are supposed to lessen crimes by and against youth, but the youth who commit crimes are just going to break curfew, and curfew infringes on the legal rights of youth in the first place, breaking laws in a way that affects youth.  So that argument invalid.  I’ve also heard that the curfew law is supposed to give the police a reason to stop youth who look like they are misbehaving but the fact a person looks suspicious IS reason to stop them, so that argument is as valid as the first one.

The arguments AGAINST curfew laws are so plentiful I could not begin to list them here, but I will share my own.  The people who follow the curfew laws are the people who would not be outside after 10 PM, unless they had an errand for their parent, without a curfew.  Everyone else is going to ignore the curfew, especially the subset of youth who need it.  I say let parents set a curfew, let cops stop anyone who suspicious and let humans under 18 have the same rights as those humans over 18 years of age.

Do you have a curfew law where you live?  Is it as stupid as mine? Do you agree with curfew laws? Do you agree with me?  Let me know in a comment.

 

Do You Want To Play A Game?

I want to find out more about my readers and let Y’all find out more about me, so lets all answer a few of those “Conversation starters.” I’ll go first and then you can answer in the comment section below.

If you were going to live on a deserted island for a month what three items would you bring and what two people would you invite to come with you? No boats or planes or anything, you (hypothetically) want to do this, and food is not an issue.

I’d bring my Kindle, my iPod and a device to charge them both with solar power. I’d also invite my mom and my dog Snuffles to come along. Entertainment and company I could live with for a month without a buffer.

What was your favorite book when you were ages five, 10 and now? Why?

When I was five I really loved the books “Everybody Poops” and “The Napping House,” By the time I was ten I was into Harry Potter and now I couldn’t even tell you my favorite books… I love Ender’s Game, anything from Tamora Pierce’s Tortall collection, Cry of the Icemark and of course the Harry Potter series is still a favorite. I’ll take any Fantasy suggestions (I like knights) or Dystopic fiction of any sort.

If you could ask any one person (fiction or real) one question, what would it be?

I have to say I’d ask Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore why he let Harry stay in an abusive household even after he knew how bad it was. That was just not OK…

Well now it’s your turn, lets see some thoughtful answers! Yours in Queerness, Duo Spiritus

You want chivalry?

When my friends talk about finding love they often wonder aloud why they can’t find a person who thinks they are attractive when they first wake up, who will open doors for them, who stands when they walk in the room and who really listens when they talk.  Even the wonderful man I find myself falling for has said these things.  I do these things for most people most of the time, and all the time if I “like-like” the person, but nobody notices.

If this is truly what people want then why don’t they see it when I hand it to them on a silver platter?

I see the pictures on tumblir, facebook and other assorted sites about how “girls just want to date a gentleman” and in my head I scream silently because I know that they mean they want a gentleman who is perfect in EVERY way; tall, white, buff with a penis. (and no boobs)  They don’t mean they want someone who will act like a gentleman, treat them well and see them as beautiful.

I guess for the time being my flirting, my romancing, will continue to be ignored and I will continue to act with chivalry, bravery and honor.  I only hope that eventually someone comes along who actually wants that…

What do you look for in romance? What do you find instead?

Yours in Queerness,                                                                                                                              Duo Spirtus

Reader Questions!

I know I have some readers now, hopefully you’ll all become faithful readers, so it’s time for the first of many blogs asking to learn about YOUR burning questions.  I want to know what you want to know; Do you want me to review a book you love? Do you want my opinion about something going on in the world today? Do you have burning questions about me?  Ask away readers, ask away.  I’ll answer any questions I get in a few days in a new blog post.  Just ask in the comments for this post.

Yours in Queerness,

Duo Spiritus

I Remember My Queerest Question

When I was just a little human, with little human thoughts and feelings and little human questions… I wondered all the time why it MATTERED if I was a boy or a girl, if anyone was a boy a girl.  Then I grew up and realized it was all about sex.  Then I grew up even more and started wondering again.

Why DOES it matter if someone is a boy or a girl? A woman or a man? Aren’t we human just the same?  You tell me.