Blog Archives

DADDY!

Father’s day.

Two words that can cause any number of thoughts and feelings to go through the minds of people with fathers, and fathers/father figures, the feelings flashing through my own mind are feelings of apathy and anger with a greenish tint of envy and an undertone of hurt.

My father is one of the many fathers who are undeserving of any day of recognition so in the process of building my own family I’ve found a few people who I will be honoring today.  I’ll be thanking people who came into my life and filled the “father” roles when my own father was unable or unwilling to do so.

If you’ve found a father figure, no matter what other roles they may fill, don’t forget them today; give them a call and tell them how much they mean to you.  I know I will.

Yours in Queerness,
Duos Spiritus

“No Homo lolol!”

“No homo” is a phrase I’ve heard and seen after phrases as innocuous as (“I love your shoes”) to the most sapphic (“Your tits look GREAT in that top”) and no matter what precedes it the phrase confounds me.   What about paying someone a complement indicates romantic interest?  And isn’t romantic interest just another complement?   If you understand this phenomenon, feel free to explain it to me but if you are as confused as I am then feel free to share this question with whomever insists that they are “no homo.”

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

So Today It’s Mother’s day

Mother’s day is a tough day for a lot of people for a lot of reasons; people who have lost their mothers to death or intolerance, mothers’ who have lost their children for the same reasons or people who wish to be mothers but are forbidden by law to adopt.  My heart goes out to all those people but today I am counting my blessings; I have a wonderful mother who loves and supports me in all I do, what more could I want?  I have a mother who fights for human rights on all fronts, what more could I ask for?

So in this post I’d like to say; Thank you mom, I love you.

 

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Where’s The Restroom?

Earlier this month I was blessed with the chance to attend a leadership and activist training as well as participate in a day of advocacy at a state level, this was my second year attending this summit and, to be honest, one of my main reasons for returning had nothing to do with the change I could make.  I wanted to go so I could spend a weekend surrounded by people who asked for my P.G.P. (Preferred Gender Pronoun), in a place where ALL the bathrooms were gender neutral and where I knew I’d be accepted as I am.  When I left I realized just how important having a gender neutral bathroom was, and how often I risked my own health to avoid choosing one or the other, I realized that if I know I’ll be able to make it to a gender neutral bathroom I’ll simply hold it even if I get an infection because of it.  I realized how uncomfortable I always am when I have to choose based on biology and I realized that if I feel this way then I can’t be alone.

If someone as self assured as myself is afraid to choose a bathroom based on comfort then how can we expect others to do the same?  If someone as confident in their gender as I feels diminished and trapped by the bathroom choice then how must it make those just coming out to themselves feel? And what can we do about it?

I can’t answer about the feelings of others, but I can tell you what you can do; If you find a place with gender neutral bathrooms you can let them know how much it means to people, if you find a business that has gender neutral bathrooms you should choose them over their competitors and if you have a place you feel safe enough suggesting gender neutral bathrooms then you should do it.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Growing Up is Hard To Do

I am coming into a place in my life where I no longer long for the responsibilities and privileges of adulthood, a place from which I can see just how scary growing up truly is. And although I cannot wait for new experiences I would gladly give up some of my privileges for just a few more years of near adulthood.

The same responsibilities and privileges I savored just a few years ago sit heavy on my chest and the same rites of passage I yearned for four years ago seem like demons lying in wait just beyond the light of my dying torch… I opened a time capsule from my six year old self a few months ago, the dreams I had for myself by age sixteen are nowhere near accomplished and the things I wanted then seem both silly and sensible.

Heh, my thoughts are all over the place as I write this… I wonder if such thoughts are normal, if these thoughts are mine alone or if these thoughts are reserved for those who grew up at an accelerated pace. I wonder if my fear of adulthood is really just the basic fear of the unknown or a more personal fear. And most importantly I wonder how these fears and ponderings affect my every day doings.

I suppose my main points can be summarized in an open letter to the adults who admire me for my ______. Select one or more of the following to fill in the blank;
Ambition, Intelligence, Manners, Maturity, Perfection, Self Knowledge. Or simply use any other word you feel fits in with the ones I’ve listed.

To whom it may concern,
I am sixteen years old, I am not thirty-two or sixty-four or even just eighteen. I am a TEENAGER, not an adult and I am still learning. I make mistakes, I curse, I tell naughty jokes and I make mistakes.

Yes, I do often act in ways beyond my years. And yes, I can speak with vocabulary and phrasing that is both arcane and archaic. But I am still in my youth, I am still creating a whole person out of mistakes and choices, successes and failure. Nobody should expect anybody to be successful all the time, to never make mistakes, let alone a person in the stage of life dedicated to mistakes and growth.

I AM NOT AN ADULT AND I AM NOT PERFECT.

I am Duo Spiritus, I am a growing, learning, and loving individual who curses, fucks up, thinks and talks about sex, and has imperfections. Expect my best from me, not perfection and PLEASE be understanding when I make mistakes.

Sincerely and with love,
Duo Spiritus

On a lighter note, I was just referred to in the masculine sense on my personal facebook, and that made me feel great.

Your in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Fear

**This post may contain spoilers regarding the book Divergent by Veronica Roth, if that bothers you, skip to the conclusion.**

So I’ve been listening to the audio book of Divergent, and I’ve reached a few conclusions and even more questions, mostly about myself. I’ve concluded that, most likely, the aptitude test would place me in Amity, Erudite or Dauntless (or I’d be Divergent) and that I would choose Dauntless with very little hesitation. I also realized that if I were to be forced to face my innermost fears rather then the fears I allow myself to think about I would most likely be surprised.

**At this point if you want to avoid spoilers you can read again**

I have spent many years of my life finding, facing and/or controlling my fears, the physical ones at least. I once feared heights and so, like Keladry, (Protector of the Small quartet by Tamora Pierce) I forced myself to face heights whenever I could, I rode roller coasters and thrill rides that forced me onto high places and then dropped me from them, I climbed things and jumped down, I went up tall buildings and looked down until the fact my brain told me to be afraid had no effect on my body or my clarity of thought. There was a time I feared fire, I learned everything I could about fire, I played with fire and in time I learned to understand fire until when I saw fire I felt both fear and attraction.

**Spoilers, but mild ones that shouldn’t really spoil anything at all unless you’ve already guessed what will happen next**

Other then Heights and Fire I have not suffered from many fears, not counting those that came from lack of worldly experience, but I knew there had to be things I fear besides those two obvious choices. And then Divergent reminded me of fears outside the physical. I realized how much I fear vulnerability, how much I fear intimacy, how much I fear a lack of intimacy and how much I fear removing the armor I have constructed around my emotions and affections.

**Spoilers are all gone, go ahead and read.**

When I realized those fears I realized that those fears may just be why I have never opened up to someone in a romantic way. Not only did I fear rejection I feared the vulnerability and the weakness that comes with it. But like all my other fears I know that by acknowledging this one I can face it and control it. Well, I hope I can…

I now have an internal debate about how to deal with these fears; one side argues that both physical and emotional intimacy will get easier if I just practice, just get it over with, while the other says that I should ease into it starting emotionally and, eventually, ending physically when the moment is right. Over the weekend at a party the “get it over with like a band-aid” part of me won out for a while and I had my first “kiss,” although I hesitate to call the small collection of three second pecks actual kisses. This was of course while playing two different silly party games; Suck and blow, a game in which you move a card of some sort around a circle of people by first holding it to your mouth by sucking in air and then pass it to your neighbor by them sucking in air while you blow out air, and if you or your neighbor drops the card you have to kiss and then spin the bottle. The unromantic, three second kisses while somebody counts the seconds were awkward to say the least and most of me doesn’t even count any of them as a “first kiss.” But another part of me is glad I didn’t make it to seventeen and never been kissed.

But I’m off topic, and as you can clearly see, the topic is fear. What do you fear? Have you faced it? Controlled it? If not, why? Let me know in the comments below!

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Hipster? Goth? Punk? Nerd?

When I talk about music with people, or they catch me listening to music in some way they can enjoy with me it is not uncommon for them to try to fit a label to my most… eclectic taste in music, and often tie it in to my dress and mannerisms and shove me into some subculture.  Lately I’m hearing Hipster and Goth more often then any others; Hipster would be because of how little apparent effort I put into my dress and appearance and the fact that the people who label me with hipster never bother to listen to the artists I enjoy and decide it must be hipster music because they, in all their varied cultural experience, (Justin Bieber AND Paramore) have never heard of.  I get Goth from people who know me better who actually try the music I like, this is because they know that I see beauty in dark places and they find the lyrics to the music I enjoy slightly depressing.  I have no idea where punk came from and Nerd is clearly because of the fact I enjoy Broadway of ALL generations,  jazz and classical music as much as the more “modern” tunes.

What I never understood was the NEED to put any label on anyone.  But labels seem to be an inescapable social more,  so I’ll label myself; I’m a Knightly hipster-goth with BAMFy tendencies and a flair for the dramatic.

And here is the music in question, or a small taste of it. While your listening why don’t you figure out how you define yourself and tell it to the world in the comment section below.

This one needs a warning; it’s lyrics, subject matter and video are on the “mature” side of things.

If you watched it and are now upset, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Risque

Lyrics: (Revamped)
I’ve got birds in my ears
and a devil on my shoulder
and a phone to the other,
and i can’t get a hold of her.
and what’s a crush to do?
what’s a crush to do when ze can’t get through?

medically speaking you’re adorable.
and from what i hear you’re quite affordable.
but i like them pricey.
so exagerate and trick me.
pretty please, just trick me.
pretty please.

I’ve got birds in my ears
and a devil on my shoulder
and a phone to the other,
and i can’t get a hold of him.
and what’s a crush to do?
what’s a crush to do when she can’t get through?

I’m obsessed and stressed with this mess,
i can’t think of things
to write down,
to type down.
and these fingertips are moving faster than these lips.
so you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is.
so you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is.

I got birds in my ears
and a devil on my shoulder
and a phone to the other,
and i can’t get a hold of hir.
and what’s a crush to do?
what’s a crush to do?

I got birds in my ears.
(I got birds in my ears.)
and a devil on my shoulder.
(and a devil on my shoulder.)
what’s a crush
what’s a crush to do?

I turn on a dime, spin me around.
so you can shine, shine right now.
we’ll even have a crowd
we’ll make this purchase count.

medically speaking you’re adorable.
and from what i hear you’re quite affordable.
but i like them pricey
so exagerate and trick me.

I got birds in my ears.
(i gotbirds in my ears.)
and a devil on my shoulder.
(and a devil on my shoulder.)
and what’s a crush to do
what’s a crush to do

I’ve got birds in my ears
(I’ve got birds in my ears)
and a devil on my shoulder
(and a devil on my shoulder)
what’s a crush,
what’s a lush to do?

I’ve got birds in my ears
(I’ve got birds in my ears)
and a devil on my shoulder
(and a devil on my shoulder)
what’s a crush,
what’s a lush to do when he can’t get through?

Merry Christmas (for most)

My Christmas was wonderful, both the giving and the getting, I spent last night with my extended and this morning with my close. I got a lot that I wanted and needed, and gave gifts that were well enjoyed. We’ll have our dinner later and that’ll be great too.

For all my readers I share three songs that I truly enjoy and I hope you will too. I’ve altered the lyrics for some and included the lyrics for all in the posts.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Happy Holidays, Warm Winter and Seasons Greetings.

Yours in Queerness’
Duo Spiritus

Enjoy Your Youth While You Have It

When I was a little kid I wanted so very much to grow up and be an adult, but now as I near adulthood I want so very much to regain my childhood. I want to still believe in Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, I want to still know with all my heart that mommy can fix everything and I want to still see the best in people. Yes, maybe my life has made me grow up a bit faster than normal but the time will come to everyone when you long for that innocence again.

Pre-teens, I urge you to claim your youth and all it means for as long as you can. Play games, make silly mistakes and learn from them, eat junk food and plan your dream vacation. Don’t let the pressure to grow up get to you, you don’t NEED to start dating or kissing or any of that. You don’t NEED to be fashionable or sexy, just be cute and have fun.

Teens, Learn to drive, think about college and make silly mistakes. Play the games you loved a few years ago (and still secretly do) have fun and be happy as a teen, adulthood comes much too soon.

Adults, stop telling young people to “grow up.” We’ll have to do it soon enough, don’t force us into it too soon. Let teenagers make mistakes, be there for us when we fall and bandage our owies like you always have even if they are bigger than before. If we really screw up remind us you love us no matter what, and help us fix the problem, how else will we learn from it? And when we go off to college be ready for 3 AM calls about made up emergencies when we just need a parent’s love and comfort.

Youth is the time to learn to be you, safely. Enjoy it.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus