Blog Archives

DADDY!

Father’s day.

Two words that can cause any number of thoughts and feelings to go through the minds of people with fathers, and fathers/father figures, the feelings flashing through my own mind are feelings of apathy and anger with a greenish tint of envy and an undertone of hurt.

My father is one of the many fathers who are undeserving of any day of recognition so in the process of building my own family I’ve found a few people who I will be honoring today.  I’ll be thanking people who came into my life and filled the “father” roles when my own father was unable or unwilling to do so.

If you’ve found a father figure, no matter what other roles they may fill, don’t forget them today; give them a call and tell them how much they mean to you.  I know I will.

Yours in Queerness,
Duos Spiritus

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“No Homo lolol!”

“No homo” is a phrase I’ve heard and seen after phrases as innocuous as (“I love your shoes”) to the most sapphic (“Your tits look GREAT in that top”) and no matter what precedes it the phrase confounds me.   What about paying someone a complement indicates romantic interest?  And isn’t romantic interest just another complement?   If you understand this phenomenon, feel free to explain it to me but if you are as confused as I am then feel free to share this question with whomever insists that they are “no homo.”

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

STOP THE SHAME!

I recently participated in a conversation that got me thinking about all the shame associated with sex.  One of my friends admitted to exploring sexuality from a young age and another friend admitted to being uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation, both friends were laughed at and teased for being “too sexual” and “not sexual enough” respectively.

Shame doesn’t do anybody any bit of good, what does it matter if someone’s personal buisness isn’t what you think is right?  What you think is right is just right for you.  Don’t force anyone to conform to your ideals no matter how right you think they are and don’t conform to any ideals that are not your own out of shame.

Stop sex shaming
Stop virginity shaming
Stop kink shaming
Stop woman shaming
Stop man shaming
Stop fetish shaming
STOP SHAMING!

I love and accept you as you are, no matter how “different” you may seem.  And remember, there is a place for you somewhere.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Where’s The Restroom?

Earlier this month I was blessed with the chance to attend a leadership and activist training as well as participate in a day of advocacy at a state level, this was my second year attending this summit and, to be honest, one of my main reasons for returning had nothing to do with the change I could make.  I wanted to go so I could spend a weekend surrounded by people who asked for my P.G.P. (Preferred Gender Pronoun), in a place where ALL the bathrooms were gender neutral and where I knew I’d be accepted as I am.  When I left I realized just how important having a gender neutral bathroom was, and how often I risked my own health to avoid choosing one or the other, I realized that if I know I’ll be able to make it to a gender neutral bathroom I’ll simply hold it even if I get an infection because of it.  I realized how uncomfortable I always am when I have to choose based on biology and I realized that if I feel this way then I can’t be alone.

If someone as self assured as myself is afraid to choose a bathroom based on comfort then how can we expect others to do the same?  If someone as confident in their gender as I feels diminished and trapped by the bathroom choice then how must it make those just coming out to themselves feel? And what can we do about it?

I can’t answer about the feelings of others, but I can tell you what you can do; If you find a place with gender neutral bathrooms you can let them know how much it means to people, if you find a business that has gender neutral bathrooms you should choose them over their competitors and if you have a place you feel safe enough suggesting gender neutral bathrooms then you should do it.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Sex (The Good, Safe Kind)

Yesterday I attended a “presentation” about safe sex for queer youth, there were so many problems with the presenter I could not begin to address them all in my blog.  But I CAN try to give better answers (based on research, not expertise) to the questions that came up.  But remember, I am not a doctor or any other expert on sex of any kind, so read what I have to say and then go look at the resources I paired with each question .  And ask a real doctor any important questions.

Q.  Could I get HIV/AIDS from food?  Or any STD really….

A.  Nearly all STDs are transmitted only by the exchange of blood or genital secretions, the exceptions to that rule are genital warts and herpes (as far as I know) in which case it is contact between the sore or wart (as well as blood and genital secretions) and sensitive skin or a wound that can result in contracting the STD.   The best way to be safe and avoid STDs is to only have sex with a person you love and trust, and both you and your partner getting tested regularly.

http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/stds/std.html#

Q.  What is a Dental Dam? 

A.   A dental dam is a piece of latex or silicone that one should place between their mouth and their patners vagina/anus when participating in oral sex.  This creates a barrier between partners to prevent spreading of STDs and should be used if you do not know if your partner is free of STDs or you know your partner does indeed have an STD.  But the best way to prevent STDs is still to be picky about who you have sex with.  Although in the singular case of deantal dams a QUALITY plastic wrap will work as well.

http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/std/oral/dentaldam.html

Q.  If I ask my doctor for birth control/plan B wont they tell my parents?

A.  At age twelve your parents have no right to information shared between you and your gynecologist, for females age twelve is the age they receive legal control over the reproductive health.  I do not know if the same is true for biological males…

Q. What about “Pulling out?” Doesn’t that work too?

A.  No, “pulling out” provides no protection against STDs and very little protection against unwanted pregnancy.  There are indeed sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluids. (pre-cum)

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method-4218.htm

 

Remember to do your own research, using reliable sources, and wait to have sex until you and a partner you love are ready.

Yours in Queerness,

Duo Spiritus

Holiday Sadness and How You Can Help

For most the holiday season is a time of great joy, family, kindness and so many other good things, but we should not forget that there may be someone near us for whom the holiday season brings naught but pain.  There are those who have no family to turn to, no home to decorate or funds for festivities, there are people who have had awful things happen in their life around this time and the yuletide greetings do nothing for them but return them to those horrid times and there are people for whom this is their first holiday alone.

Look around you, and at yourself, if while you look you see someone who is saddened by the holiday cheer then do what you can to help.  Listen to them, give them a hug or suggest resources for them.  I’ve included a few depression and suicide prevention resources for you yo use yourself or share with someone who needs your love right now.

 

This is a site that has a more comprehensive list of suicide prevention hotlines then I could ever create:  http://www.befrienders.org/

The Trevor Project has both online IMing and a hotline for queer youth dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts or feelings, as well as resources for their friends and loved one:  http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

And remember that I am here to answer questions or just give friendship.

 

Yours in Queerness,

Duo Spiritus

 

Enjoy Your Youth While You Have It

When I was a little kid I wanted so very much to grow up and be an adult, but now as I near adulthood I want so very much to regain my childhood. I want to still believe in Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, I want to still know with all my heart that mommy can fix everything and I want to still see the best in people. Yes, maybe my life has made me grow up a bit faster than normal but the time will come to everyone when you long for that innocence again.

Pre-teens, I urge you to claim your youth and all it means for as long as you can. Play games, make silly mistakes and learn from them, eat junk food and plan your dream vacation. Don’t let the pressure to grow up get to you, you don’t NEED to start dating or kissing or any of that. You don’t NEED to be fashionable or sexy, just be cute and have fun.

Teens, Learn to drive, think about college and make silly mistakes. Play the games you loved a few years ago (and still secretly do) have fun and be happy as a teen, adulthood comes much too soon.

Adults, stop telling young people to “grow up.” We’ll have to do it soon enough, don’t force us into it too soon. Let teenagers make mistakes, be there for us when we fall and bandage our owies like you always have even if they are bigger than before. If we really screw up remind us you love us no matter what, and help us fix the problem, how else will we learn from it? And when we go off to college be ready for 3 AM calls about made up emergencies when we just need a parent’s love and comfort.

Youth is the time to learn to be you, safely. Enjoy it.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

On Pronouns, Gender Terms and “So What are You REALLY?”

I get a lot of weird questions, most of the time it’s not the question I wish I got more often.  I get questions about my race, my hair, if I have found Jesus (I thought he was dead, not missing…) and if I know where to find the ____.  But nobody over six or seven years old, except in very rare situations,  just asks me about my gender.  Everyone who “knows better” looks at my body and assumes I am somebody’s daughter, that the correct pronouns are “She, Her and Her’s,” and if they are “liberal” they assume I’m a lesbian (I prefer Sapphite, but that’s another blog all together) but if not they assume I’m heterosexual.

In reality I love when people use Masculine, Plural or Gender Neutral pronouns but I don’t really mind when people use Feminine pronouns either.  I’d really like it if people would just ask the question, they could ask in so many ways!

Just to find out my Preferred Gender Pronoun (PGP):

  • Whats your PGP?
  • What pronoun do you like?
  • Do you have a PGP?

Or to be blunt and open about gender in general:

  • Whats your gender identity?
  • How do you classify your gender?
  • What gender are you?

I cannot speak for others, but I can speak for myself, and what I have heard from other folk who are as queer as I, It is SO much better to just ask politely then assume and be wrong.  A polite question shows your respect for your fellow humans, no matter their gender and makes sure you don’t keep offending them every time you use a pronoun.

But remember these few tips to slide gracefully through gender/pronoun errors or fuax pas:

  1. NEVER use “It” unless told otherwise by that specific person.
  2. If you make a mistake just apologize, it’s not the end of the world.
  3. If you forget, ask again.
  4. Treat everyone with respect and humanity.
  5. When you ask, be polite.
  6. Don’t ask strangers or even new friends about their sex at birth, thats none of your business.
  7. Don’t ask about somebody’s “real name,” the name that fits their true self IS their real name.

And as far as gender terms?  Child, Sibling, Partner, Date, Spouse, Parent… The list goes on.  If you don’t know, use those.

Your’s in Queerness,

Duo Spiritus

p.s.

The REAL question should be “WHO are you really?”

;D