Category Archives: My Dreams and Wishes

Corsets and Eyeliner

So… What’s your type?   People have always tried to get me to answer this question and not a single person has ever believed me when I answer honestly and explain that people are nice looking but not sexually attractive until I get to know them, I don’t want to have passionate sex with anyone until I can have a passionate discussion, but that answer has only been viewed as a half-truth or an out-right lie.

So now I’ll be completely honest about what traits and behaviors I’m attracted to!

I’m attracted to: confidence, a good sense of humor, activism, bright eyes, self-awareness, sarcasm, passion, soft skin, rough hands, individuality, compassion, a thirst for knowledge, people who wear corsets as/over shirts, avid readers, good writers, people who share my interests, people in my fandoms, Hufflepuffs and people with eyeliner on.  This is FAR from a conclusive list, but if I were to find someone who had/did all of this then I may just want to jump their bones on the spot, although I’d get consent first (safe, sane and consensual!) because that’s important.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

So Today It’s Mother’s day

Mother’s day is a tough day for a lot of people for a lot of reasons; people who have lost their mothers to death or intolerance, mothers’ who have lost their children for the same reasons or people who wish to be mothers but are forbidden by law to adopt.  My heart goes out to all those people but today I am counting my blessings; I have a wonderful mother who loves and supports me in all I do, what more could I want?  I have a mother who fights for human rights on all fronts, what more could I ask for?

So in this post I’d like to say; Thank you mom, I love you.

 

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Hir; A Poem

This is a beautifully done piece of spoken word, I recommend it.

 

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

Body Image and Self Hatred

So far all my blog posts have been rather political or idealistic with very little information that is personal, but not this posy. This post is about body image, body loathing and body changing in others and in myself.

Everyone has two looks; the way they WANT to look, and the way they actually look. Usually the way a person wants to look is based on how society wants them to look because of race, gender, age, location, sexuality or whatever other stupid groups that one can be grouped by. I wish I could say knowing and hating this fact made me immune to it, but it doesn’t. I know how I want to look and I look in the mirror and see only little bits of it, sometimes, if I look hard enough and I’m in a good mood. Mostly I see fat, scars and acne, all things that logically I know have a reason for being there. Logically I know that I am a healthy weight, that acne break outs are a part of growing up and that my scars are monuments to how much pain I survived to get here… But logic plays no part in your feelings.

I know many people who spend hours of thought a day policing what they eat, caloric intake/output, but I can’t do that so instead I spend hours of thought a day SHAMING myself for my food choices. “You ate too much Duo, now you’ll never get thin!” or the nice voice “Did you really need that cookie Duo? You could have just eaten another carrot if you were that hungry.” I spend time debating whether or not to eat (my stomach always wins) and if something makes me skip a meal I’m proud of myself. And then when my head is clear from emotional, body hating voices and words for just a moment another set of words comes along; “Now you’re just like any other teenager Duo, why can’t you be BETTER than the teens that worry about their looks?” so I just cannot win. I get to be ashamed of my shame.

My ideal body may not be the one I would be assigned based on race, age, location or sex at birth but it is a product of media and societal ideals of beauty and sexuality. I want to be skinny, with bigger muscles, slight abs and clear skin. I want to wear crisp white button up shirts and jeans or black slacks with a long black overcoat decorated with chains topped with some kind of dapper cap or dashing hat. Instead I wear jeans and baggy t-shirts (and some form of fancy headwear) to hide the body parts I hate.

I am not the only person in, what seems like, an everlasting internal battle with myself over my body image, but I may well be the only person who never sees someone like themselves portrayed as someone who may have self image issues. It’s almost always girls between 12 and 25 years of age who are portrayed with eating disorders, self image issues and negative thoughts about their own body. Sometimes it’s boys between 14 and 25 years of age but it is NEVER youth outside the gender binary and it is very, very rarely someone younger or older than the ages above.

I think youth who do not conform to gender norms fight even more with body and self image issues because there are so few resources where genderqueer, two spirit, trans, non-gender, gender free, pangender or any other queer labeled youth can find support for their unique and beautiful bodies, clothing that fits both their body and their style and images of happy queer youth of all shapes, sizes, colors, sexes, genders and identities. We have to change this, don’t judge a person by their looks, make no assumptions and complement choices and achievements instead of physical attributes, especially if you are a parental figure or educator.

At the bottom of this post is a video that made me tear up a bit, just remember that the video’s message really should be for people of all genders.

Yours in Queerness,
Duo Spiritus

First “Crush?” Oh Goodness!

Eventually in everyone’s life there comes a time when they fall for someone, in a hetero normative world that means boy meets girl.  But for me it’s a little bit harder…

Just about every afternoon I head down to a wonderful youth program for teenage queerlings like myself to hang out and have fun in an accepting group setting, sometimes this wonderful person (We’ll call him X) comes too and recently I’ve found myself hoping that X will be there when I’m there.  A few days ago when I was trying very hard NOT to gaze longingly at X’s handsomely beautiful face and form I realized what had happened; I was in love with X.  Sounds romantic right?  Not so much, X has said that although he IS also Pansexual he does not often find more feminine forms attractive. (this is the part where I tell you that my body is quite feminine, with curves and the like)

X is also much more experienced then I am, this is quite intimidating.   And if problems with my mind, my self image and his past are not enough there are so many people out there who refuse to see me as pansexual, they all think I only like women.  And though other people should never keep you from love it makes it seem like it would be even WORSE if I were rejected…

Love is always complicated for queers and teens, so I guess it is ever more complicated for queer teens.

Your in queerness,

Duo Spiritus